Past Quotes of the Day

by Orlando C. Fernando

last updated: September 16, 2001

Your uncle is so poor that he dresses up in a suit and twist tie!
If good things come in small packages, why do Palm Pilots come in oversized boxes?
Your uncle's so dumb he thinks Lent is a time to give up pink and purple candles!
Dilemma for all you 80's fans: KITT or the General Lee?
Rogaine: a scalp's garden.
May grandma not get run over by a reindeer this year!
It's your vote that counts, and counts, and counts...
Never trust a vampire at a tie store.
Two tubas total toot too tremendously!
Aaah the power of chocolate and guilt....see? ;)
What holds more water: a swimming pool or election campaign promises?
MTV: Much Teenybop Videos
Ladies' bewilderment: Do 2 Mr. Wrongs make a Mr. Right?
Get a fortune. Order Chinese take-out!
A fisherman's wait can be as valuable as his bait.
Have time on your hands...wear a wrist watch!
Help stop pollution - do your laundry!
The key to good speeches is to have a jugful of water.
Keith Richards...the search for food continues.
The only thing we have to fear is...naked construction workers!
If you can't beat them, consider a weapon.
Alternative music - it speaks to the youth but only questions my sanity.
There is a thin line between greed and obsession.
Rationalization is good. It keeps up your creativity.
This is your Top 40 radio station. Playing 40 songs ten times a day...
The pen is mightier than its eraser.
Do Chinese joggers use the Great Wall of China?
Who bails out snowplows in blizzards?
Bill Gates: The new reason for world hunger.
Life without laughter is like technical support without the 20 minute hold.
Christmas is not an excuse to be extra nice to people in December; it is a reminder to just be nice all year!
Do reindeer get stock options?
Deck the Halls...sounds violent doesn't it?
Eliminate bad wrinkles - smile!
Jogging is a great way to a man's heart.
Brain on board.
Profit from other people's misfortune. Win a lottery!
Boo!
Women can bring out the best...and the worst...in men.
How lucky is a wishing well if you drop a penny?
Confusious Orlando say: Dragon on strike cheats China of a new year.
Out of the mouths of babes come...all kinds of gooky stuff!
Confusious Orlando say: Even man who move mountains for woman won't move simple couch across room.
I stand high...because I'm too tall to stand low.
I don't like oysters. Therefore, the world is my shrimp!
Your uncle is so dumb he wears a bathing suit in the bath.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel...an oncoming train!
Save those useful gas station receipts. You never know if you get bad gasoline and may have to return it.
Classic version - Seek the holy grail to complete a quest for honor and glory; 90's version - Seek the holy grail to sell it on the market to invest in mutual funds.
The most quiet are the smartest, the oldest are the strongest, and the prettiest are the most expensive. So choose your car wisely!
The only quickest way to make money is working at the Mint.
A writer without his pen is like Heraldo Rivera without a chair.
Quality of your profession is directly proportional to how well you can bore someone with your jargon.
'The Jerry Springer Show' is just a soap opera with athletes.
Speed wins the race; endurance keeps us racing.
From writer's block comes a creativity break, from an emptied paint bottle comes new colors from the remaining, from a strained muscle comes more stretching, from a broken heart comes dating foresight. Every obstacle is merely a hurdle.
A diary never forgets when you are looking back for something.
The mind and spirit is the real cake of life. The body and make-up is just the fattening frosting.
Teens choosing guns solves only 3 personal problems: which victim, which jail cell, and which memorial ceremony?
A sharp mind always points to success.
Why didn't Oliver get his own panel on 'The Brady Bunch' intro?
Confucious Orlando say: Rooster with sore throat no sound much worse.
Michael Jordan: the legend will never die.
"Vive que tu vives, con el sol en tu corazon." (Live as you live, with the sun in your heart.)
Strike down and strike hard, and that packet of sugar will soon open.
Grows up from roots. Sheds a bit then sprouts. Changes strange colors then breaks away. Gets swept away with others just like them & always stay together til the end. Life of a leaf? Or life of a human being?
Keep your hopes in the stars but not your mind. Don't do drugs.
The human race is truly a race. Winners are those who jog but then stop a few seconds to breathe the air. Losers are those in wreckless sports cars who wind up at the finish line too soon.
Every stone you hurl at someone will form you a bigger and bigger tombstone.
Confucious Orlando say, he with cold and very small nose has nowhere to run.
Children - both their presence or their absence can scare us.
A man with heavy coin pockets doth surely fall.
One thing you can't buy having a million dollars - complete solitude.
We owe it to learn music from past generations, for today's music and music ideas were not evolved without them.
A husband must learn to memorize his wife's birthday, but forget his wife's age.
Life is like good china; you never truly enjoy it unless you have company.
There is strength in numbers, but please limit your cups of coffee.